Seventeen Going On Twenty-One
If you were following us last year, you may remember this post where we discussed how The Girl was mad that we wouldn’t permit her to attend an off campus party being hosted by some friends of her and her brother who were sophomores to be in college. Now she’s pouting because we won’t let her drive an hour away and “hang out” with her new boyfriend who’s a sophomore in college and lives off campus. According to her, “It’s not fair that he has to drive here every weekend.” In our view nothing has changed since then. We know the kid since they went to high school together and he was on one of the same sports team as The Boy; but being a likeable guy (from a parent’s perspective) doesn’t change the fact that a college campus on a Saturday night is not a good place for someone still in high school. We don’t care who she dates since we know we can’t win that battle; but do have firm rules about certain situations and this is one of them. If you’re a grown man going out with someone who’s still in high school, having to follow her parents’ rules is something that should be expected. And, if that’s to inconvenient, there are plenty of girls on campus who are on their own and can do whatever they want without their parents’ approval.
P.S. We know that when you’re in high school, everything dating-related is a big deal; but, their “relationship” only started when he was in town over the Christmas holidays. So, considering its only been a month, we were even less persuadable if that’s possible.
Awwwwwwwwwwww, you’re sooooooooo mean!!
She’ll be making the same HORRIBLY MEAN, CRUEL, etc.. decision (hopefully not any time soon!!) for her own kid, and will thank you for showing her the way!!
Valerie: Just because something bad doesn’t happen every time someone puts them self in a bad situation doesn’t mean that it’s wasn’t a bad situation; only that they were lucky. Unfortunately, she doesn’t follow that logic.
Hang in there. Don’t give in. I taught for a large number of years and I saw the results when parents did give in.
Jerry B: She’s got a girlfriend who has a boyfriend who’s about that same distance away and her parents let her make the drive. But he’s still in high school and lives with his parents; so there is not nearly the same potential for problems. But, she doesn’t see the difference between the two situations.
There is a huge difference between High School and College age young men.
Jerry B: To her it’s just about the drive. She’s not really thinking about anything else. But even then, there’s a big difference. He’s been driving for 3 or 4 years and she’s been driving for 5 months. And the environment difference is HUGE. Watching movies in the home theater in the basement and taking a walk around the block is relatively benign; many of the things they could be doing in and around campus aren’t.
I am kind of assuming this is a dead issue by now, but stick to your guns. Teenagers can be very persistant. I think the guy is putting her in a bad position and being insensitive to both you and her.
Jerry B: It’s not really dead because there is always next weekend, and the weekend after that, and the weekend after that… I don’t think that he minds our rules. It’s more that The Girl doesn’t like how they illustrate/amplify their age difference. She would like to appear more independent than she is.
I can’t wait to deal with this kind of crap when the boys get older. ((shudders))
KittyKillKill: It’s not so bad with boys for two reasons. 1) Most girls in college aren’t interested in boys in high school. They would much rather be dating someone who can get them into 21 and over clubs. And 2) for whatever reason, they don’t get as “attached” to their girlfriends. They seem to have a broader range of interests.
Hang in there. (I know you’re going to.) As a retired university prof I’ve overheard too many washroom (male) conversations ike ‘boy did I get her drunk’, ‘shenever knew what hit her’, to want any daughter of mine to be on-campus on a weekend. One of my colleagues (Female) says the woman’s rest rooms are just as bad.
Don aka yondan
Don: Nothing surprises me. And it’s been my experience that even more “questionable” activity happens at off campus housing because there are even fewer “grown ups” (RAs, RDs, etc) around. And, whereas more underclassmen live in the dormitories, a lot of kids living in the nearby neighborhoods have roommates who are over 21. She’s not as worldly as she thinks. She’ll learn after she seen some of the things that happen. I just don’t want her to be the one who is a lesson to other kids.
You ain’t kiddin’ college campuses are dangerous for high school students and n00bs. Especially for girls. I’m not a parent but PLEASE for the love of God (I know what I am talking about!!!) teach her about roofies and date rape and watching your drink all night and not letting anyone get you a drink of any sort, alcoholic or otherwise! Guys do it, I assure you. Not all guys mind you, but that “oh he’s in COLLEGE!” mentality comes over you.
He sounds like a good boy, but you don’t know his roommate, his roommate’s friends, or his roommates’ friends’ “hook ups”.
Sarah: You are so right. When I was in college, kids use to spike the punch with ethanol. It was incredibly easy to drink too much; because, since it wasn’t meant as a drink, you couldn’t taste the alcohol. In her mind, I went to college so long ago that my information is not relevant; but, from what I’ve seen it’s really is about the same.
And to put your mind at ease he drove here earlier this today. They watched a movie and had some dinner. After a while, I think that they are going bowling with some of her friends. Like always, she has to be home (and he has to go home) before I go to bed.
I agree with your choice- I think personally that she must be upset at the reality of what you pointed out ” And, if that’s to inconvenient, there are plenty of girls on campus who are on their own and can do whatever they want without their parents’ approval.” She probably fears being swept aside for someone without rules but what she may not realize is that it would save her future heartache if he is that type to get it over with now. If not then he will wait and respect your rules. In any event…we all know at somepoint that *life* is not fair. I think you are great parents and eventually all children realize that rules= safety and love.
Viemoira: She’ll be off to college herself in the fall so she doesn’t’ see what difference a few months make. She’s not thinking that when she’s a freshman she’ll have girlfriends/roommates nearby as opposed to being all by herself. And, although there are parties everywhere, she’s not going to a “party school”. I was once 17 and thought I know everything too. Right now, being safe is the most important thing. For someone with her personality and physique there will always be boys.
You know you’re right with this so I won’t tell you.
But yes, “If you’re a grown man going out with someone who’s still in high school, having to follow her parents’ rules is something that should be expected”.
Chickie: Honestly, I think it’s a bigger deal to her than it is to him. I think she’s a bit “worried” that he’s on college surrounded by college women and she’s still in high school. In my view, he shouldn’t mind doing things in her world. If he does, he’s not work keeping. And frankly, I don’t have as many rules as some parents. But I will admit that I’m completely inflexible on the ones I do have. That being said, our house is big enough (two stories with full finished basement) so they can have some privacy.