It’s Not Black Or White
Someone asked me on Friday whether The Girl “dated” more black guys or white guys. I actually had to stop and think about it for a moment. Partly because she is “just friends” with a number of boys whom she wouldn’t go out with (her words not ours); and partly because that’s not the first thing that I notice when I’m meeting her friends. I’m much more concerned with their character than their color. My parents, especially my dad, automatically categorize the kids as black and assume that they should socialize and date accordingly; something that my wife and I find very strange given their dual heritage.
Unlike my parents and many people of their generation, there’s no right or wrong choice for California Girl and me. We’re not naive enough to believe that we have much any influence over who she socializes with anyway. That’s not to say that we don’t pay any attention to her friends. In fact, we keep very careful track of who she communicates where it’s electronic (via email, IM, chat, text messaging, etc), telephonic (cell or house phone), or in person (i.e. hanging out). We just try not to judge and forbid since that never works anyway. I know that if my father would have had his way, California Girl and I would have never dated much less got married.
It’s hard being in high school when you’re 15. As adults looking back, it doesn’t seem very difficult; but kids today are under enough pressure without their parents adding to it. Not being asked to homecoming (or not being asked by the right guy) is a major deal when you’re 15. Even if you understand intellectually that it’s not the end of the world it’s still hard when everyone at school is talking about the dance on Monday. So we just watch from afar and try not to interfere. It’s not that we don’t like some of their friends better than others. But we realize that we don’t get truly get a vote and the worst thing that we can do is be overbearing and close off any channels of communication. We need to be sure that we’re still in the loop when the time comes that one or both of them really needs our help.
Anyway, getting back to the original question, I wonder why they thought it mattered. Considering their age and background, I doubt if they’ve got the same viewpoint as my parents. California Girl and I (and the kids) don’t categorize people so simply. As parents, we’re much more likely to divide our kids’ friends into good influences and bad influences. And we haven’t noticed any correlation between that and physical characteristics. We don’t segment the kids or people they associate with. We know society does; but we don’t think that is a good thing to teach our children. Good friendships are hard to find without adding artificial constraints. The Boy and The Girl will have to make their own way in the world. Hopefully they will make good decisions for life in the 21st century.
Tags: Kids, Life, Parenting, Philosophy
March 15th, 2008 at 9:44 pm
That’s the way I would see kids - as good influences and bad influences. As a Pre-K teacher, I judge kids on character rather than looks. Life is probably harder, much harder, for kids today than it was for us.
March 15th, 2008 at 10:45 pm
I couldn’t see how it would matter, but I guess some people would be curious about stuff like that. Everyone is so much more than a color. It is great that you’re teaching your kids to base judgements on character rather than color!
March 16th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
I think it was asked because kids tend to lean more towards relationships like thier parents’. I definitly believe that parents model relationships for thier kids. My dad was a bad boy with a good heart and a sense of humor when he was my age. I lean more towards that kind of guy.
March 16th, 2008 at 7:01 pm
Interesting to me how other people think this way… i have always taught my kids that we are all simply humsn and that the sub-categories come from the inside (i.e. good verses evil in our choices) and not from outside appearance. i will never forget my oldest being about 3 while i was pregnant with my youngest and running off on me in a store. When i found her shortly after she was with a stranger- a beautiful woman. i explained to her the dangers of strangers and that she should never leave my side (or someone she knows and trusts) because people can be dangerous. Here is what was interesting- she looked at me and said matter of factly “mom- that woman could not possibly be mean because she is too beautiful”. That’s when i realized my big parenting lesson on perception…ugh
~viemoira
March 17th, 2008 at 2:06 am
Kate: Kids learn most of their bad habits from their parents so we have to be careful what we teach actively or passively. The only difference is that adults usually do a better job of keeping their prejudices hidden. Life really is harder for kids today; and it’s important for us as parents to understand that and make adjustments.
Naughty Girl: I guess; but considering the different backgrounds of California Girl and me, it’s not likely to be an issue. That would be weird if we did have a preference. We really hope that they learn and understand why basing judgments on the superficial is a bad idea. You miss knowing people that would be great friends and befriend people that are better left alone.
Sarah: I agree; but I think kids preferences are more based on the personality of their parents than physical characteristics. I ask people a lot of strange questions so I guess I should expect a strange question every now and then. The girl is more like me than her mom but I can’t see her liking either personality.
Viemoira: From the mouth of babes… Kids are quite perceptive even at a young age. As adults we sometimes form opinions and express about people without even realizing it. The difference is that we realize that our perceptions can be wrong and don’t base as many decisions on initial impressions.
BTW: Even though our kids are older know, California Girl and I remember the difficulty of keeping up with small children very well.
March 18th, 2008 at 10:20 pm
as a retired teacher i think i read enough about you folks ;to judge you be outstanding parent’s and guides for your kids.children with loving,caring parents are hard to beat .you are truly good parents i think.i also salute you as mixed race couple. my four kids have had mix race marriages or relationship my wife and i have six great grandchildren as a result. my hat off to you
March 20th, 2008 at 6:00 am
Bill McCool: Thanks very much. We’d like to think that we are raising the kids right. It’s so hard to find a compatible husband or wife I don’t understand why people automatically eliminate certain groups of people. I guess some people would rather be alone that expand their boundaries.