A Natural Progression
Thighs-n-Eyez commented in the shoutbox:
I love you both! May I ask why you didn’t get married before you lived together? Also, what made you want to get married to CG, MCB after you guys were already living together?
We decide to respond in a post since the answer is more than 500 characters.
Even when we had separate places, we didn’t spend very much time apart, so, it didn’t seem to make very much sense to do anything else. It seemed almost like “hedging or bet” which wasn’t how either of us felt. Plus, neither set of parent’s approved off our relationship, so a wedding which is typically for family and friends was difficult to arrange. Everyone wants their wedding to be special, and we were no different, so, even though it was something that we expected, it was very frustrating. In a way, because our relationship was so controversial, we didn’t receive a lot of pressure from our parents to “do the right thing”. And, remember, by the mid to late 1980’s living together had lost the stigma that it once had and was becoming much more widespread, especially for people of our generation.
We got married because we both like having a spouse. There is a sense of commitment and permanence that living together doesn’t have. It may just have been in our minds; but it was important to us. I liked the idea of proposing and trying to make a special moment to California Girl. We like having an anniversary to celebrate. Unlike a lot of men, I always wear my wedding band, probably even at times that I shouldn’t. We ended up having a small wedding; but it’s still part of our shared history together. We like to focus on the positive; but were a lot of external things gong on that made our life much more difficult. We’ve always made our own way without muchany help. In, fact, I was just mentioning to California Girl about an event that happened around that time that I consider a watershed moment in my personal history. We make decisions more for ourselves and each other than almost anyone that you will ever meet. We wanted to get married so we did.
January 21st, 2008 at 6:33 am
There is something to be said for being married. I think your so right in saying that “living together” doesn’t mean the same today as it did when couples started the movement. Today, I think, people live together because they think they will save money (not having to pay for 2 households)first, and love falls into somewhere down the line. My wife and I will be married 20 years on 2/20/08. There has been so much turmoil in our lives at times that it would have been to easy to walk away from it all if we just lived together. Being married, and that commitment that comes with that, has forced us to work together to get through the hard times, and in the end has made us stronger as individuals and as a couple.
My wife and I are in a a near similar boat as you and CG are in. My daughter is graduating this year and going off to school and our son is not far behind her. In some respects, I can’t wait for them to go so I can run naked through the house and frolic with my wife where ever I choose, but in other respects, I will miss them terribly. They are not just my kids, they are my friends and best buddies. But alas, life moves on. Take care and have a great day!
January 21st, 2008 at 8:41 am
Great answer. Right decision, obviously.
January 21st, 2008 at 7:36 pm
Did your families eventually “get over” it?
Apparently when my parents got married my mom’s family was NOT happy because my dad was older and had “knocked up” their 17 y/o daughter. Turns out he was the best thing that ever happened to her and after about 10 years they saw that. I hope your families were able to see how good you are for each other too.
January 21st, 2008 at 8:15 pm
Good for y’all for doing what made you as a couple happy and not letting others’ views take away from what appears to be a very happy, loving marriage!
You mention having children. Did they come along before or after you were married? Just curious (read: nosey).
January 21st, 2008 at 11:02 pm
John in PA: I don’t think that it’s a bad thing for a couple to do everything they can to be sure that getting married is the right decision for them, including living together for a time. But in the long term, it’s not a substitute for marriage. I know many couples who lived together, had children, and got married (in that order) and lived happily ever after. But, I also know of some who looked at living together as an “experiment” and didn’t take their commitment as seriously as they should, despite being engaged, complete with a ring and tentative wedding plans. Sometimes, the fact that you need to get other people involved to get divorced slows things down enough that reconciliation is possible.
California Girl and I will certainly find things to do to amuse ourselves when we don’t have the kids around; but we’re really going to miss their interactions with each other. In addition to being brother and sister, they’re best friends and have a 15 year shared history. After being practically connected at the hip, it’s going to be very strange to wake up on a weekend morning and NOT see them hanging out together. They’ve done so many things as a twosome and we’ve done so many things as a foursome that is going to be as big an adjustment for The Girl as it is for my wife and me. Life always goes on and sometimes, it is bittersweet.
Alfie: We thing so too. Later this year we will be celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary.
AlwaysCurious: Yes and no. Things are better; but, for example, my relationship with my parents isn’t as close as my sister’s relationships with them because she did what they wanted/expected. California Girl is a great spouse, and fantastic mom; but they look at the world differently than we do.
Naughty Girl: Thanks. Other than living together before marriage, our relationship was more traditional. We had a 2 ½ year engagement, got married then had our first child 2 years after that. We’ve pretty much had to make our own way; but much of what we did in those days, so far as our parents were concerned, was typical for any young couple.
January 22nd, 2008 at 10:20 am
I know what you mean about some people using living together as an experiment. Sweety and I lived 1000 miles apart when we met and when we were talking about me moving down here, I told him that he’d have to marry me because I wasn’t moving to be someones girlfriend. And it’s a good thing he did because there were times when I first got here that I’d have probably ran away screaming if we hadn’t been married.
January 22nd, 2008 at 9:40 pm
Chickie: I don’t see anything wrong with a BRIEF experiment if it’s clear to BOTH people that they are on the road to marriage. I think that problems happen because people have different ideals on the level of commitment consider living together entails. Marriage doesn’t seem to be so fuzzy. It’s good to find out as much as you can before marriage to be sure that you are right for each other. But, an open ended situation should be avoided.